It's been exactly two weeks now

It’s been exactly two weeks now since he died and it’s been awful. Well not awful, up and down really, and I definitely don’t think it’s sunk in yet. I think about him absolutely all of the time, occasionally I realise I haven’t been thinking about him for a little while, but those little whiles never last longer than a few minutes. It’s the funeral next week, and I am dreading it so much. If I’m honest, when I do cry or get upset it’s generally because I’ve been thinking about or imagining the funeral and how awful it will be.  I keep imagining macabre things like the sight of the coffin being moved backwards.

It hasn’t really sunk in I don’t think, I can’t quite fathom that I will never see or speak to him again.

 The things that upset me the most, or that I think about the most are the facts that I am so scared of forgetting the sound of his voice, or his manner and the little funny mannerisms that he had, I wish so much that I had videos of him speaking so that I could watch them. We do have old videos of him, but I want just very plain ones of the way he spoke and the little things that he said ordinarily. I’m so upset that if I get married or have children that he won’t be there. I feel upset for Natalie that she didn’t have more time with him.

Most of all I feel upset for him at how disappointed he’d be to know he hadn’t managed to fight the cancer, as he was so proud of how strong he was and was so confident that he’d be ok. He would be so upset to think he’d failed.

I just really really want him back.