Bad day

Today is a really bad day. Feel on the edge of crying constantly and keep obsessing about the funeral and imagining what it will be like. I think I just want it to be over with now.

I actually just went to the car park at work, lay down on the back seat of my car and lay crying for a while, it made me feel a bit better but I would have been so embarrassed if anyone had walked past.

I keep reading the texts that he sent me and looking at pictures of him, I don’t know if that’s a bad thing to do, it seems to upset me more sometimes but I just want to see them and remember.

I keep remembering key things that he said to me, like when he said when we were sat in his lounge once “I don’t want to die”.

I hate this all so much, I am so so sad, I miss him so much and really really want to see him again and speak to him again.

I never thought id feel this way but I am also desperate for a sign from him to know that he’s there or that he’s watching me. Affy’s girlfriend Alison told me that when her husband died she used to see signs all the time that he was still there. She said they came particularly in the form of electricity things like lights would turn off when she came into the room, or streetlights would flicker when she walked past. I want something like that but haven’t had anything. I know its desperate but I just think that it would maybe make me feel better.

I also have constant worried about everyone else. I feel like I’m just waiting for the next thing to go wrong with someone else. Nana keeps having pain in her legs at the moment, she’s just been to the doctor and found out that it’s probably the result of hardening in her arteries. I feel really worried about that now and that it might lead to a stroke or heart attack. I definitely couldn’t cope if this happened.  

My head is so so full at the moment, just want to stop thinking, the only time the thinking stops is when I’m asleep and even then I dream all night. I hope this starts to get better soon. I am acting just like normal with everyone but it’s so exhausting, I don’t really care about the same things any more. Well sometimes I do care about them but at other times I just feel like I’ve realised that nothing else really matters apart from Mum, Natalie, Warren and Nana being ok.