Current feelings

Today is a bad day, as was yesterday now I think of it. I have never suffered from panic or anxiety problems in the past, though of course have had periods of time where I have felt panicked and anxious and I guess this might well be just one of those occasions. But it feels worse. I have felt really since I woke up as though I have been kicked in the stomach. Completely floored. I am bumbling along as normal, acting at work as though nothing is happening to all my colleagues but I am overwhelmed by a horrible feeling of sickness and panic. My heart rate feels fast and I feel generally unwell. I constantly drift into imaginary scenarios in my head where I imagine different things happening and how we will all react to them. Sometimes (not often) they are positive, but more often they are horrible. Not just horrible though, macabre. I imagine things going wrong in the most tragic and sad way they possibly could. I imagine everyones reactions being as emotional and devastating as they possibly could be. I imagine ridiculous details, what I’ll be wearing, where I’ll be, exactly what I’d say, what day it will be on (usually an important day like someones birthday or Christmas etc). None of my work colleagues knows what’s going on yet I still feel angry that they don’t know or care about it. I ask people questions about what’s going on in their lives and encourage them to talk about the things that’re on their mind or are bothering them, then I feel angry with them for moaning when their problems seem insignificant compared to mine. I have become someone I don’t recognise.

I fluctuate between thinking that nothing matters apart from them both getting better and that I don’t care about anything else in the world, yet I spend other times mindlessly drifting through Pinterest and Instagram looking for home/clothes/garden/food inspiration.  

 

Feeling quite a lot better now since writing this, perhaps it will be helpful for me to write my feelings down more. I have, however just read that the outlook for the cancer of Dad's type and stage is that 7% of people live for 5 years after diagnosis. Not good.