Review meeting 2

Well the review meeting went well, well perhaps not well but much better than expected. 

They said he could go ahead and have the next chemo and that he could probably even mover to having reviews every month rather than every two weeks   They didn't do any more tests on him so they didn't really have any more information apart from what we told her. 

It seemed like more of a formality really. 

Just so so relieved he can have it. 

Long night

Another long night ahead of us tonight. 

Dad has felt gradually worse over the last few days and his oxygen has been decreasing. 

We called the on call doctor out who said he should be in hospital but we said that the hospital said he should stay at home. The doctor phoned back after and said we should phone the cancer centre. I phoned them and they said not to send him in unless his temperature went over 84. His sats are currently 78 when he's not on oxygen and 88 when he is. 

Apparently he probably either has a chest infection or fluid on his lungs. If it's fluid he'll need a drain which they can't do at the weekend. If it's a chest infection then he's now on strong antibiotics which should hopefully kick in by the morning. 

I am away from him at the moment as w has his consultant appointment tomorrow and I really have to go to that. 

Feel so awful being away from him. 

So so worried. Tonight will be a long night. 

Review meeting 2

Well the review meeting went well, well perhaps not well but much better than expected. 

They said he could go ahead and have the next chemo and that he could probably even mover to having reviews every month rather than every two weeks   They didn't do any more tests on him so they didn't really have any more information apart from what we told her. 

It seemed like more of a formality really. 

Just so so relieved he can have it. 

Review appointment

Just waiting now for our review with the consultant. Feel very sick and nervous but strangely not as nervous as I have done over the past few days. 

Maybe I've come to terms with how bad the news might be. Or maybe I've just been successful at convincing myself that he has made some progress. 

Praying with all my heart that he can see the progress he has made and lets him continue with the chemo. 

He does seem as though he may have a chest infection though... Worried about that. We will see 

Another day

Another day filled with panic and anxiety. This is starting to feel normal. 

Dad has his appointment tomorrow to review how his chemo is going so far and Woz is feeling slightly better though is not actually better. 

I spend every day feeling actually sick to my stomach with worry about what will happen that day. My heart rate is permanently fast. 

Dad sounded chesty today and is coughing rubbish up indicating that he may in fact have a chest infection. If e does there is no chance he'll be having chemo next week which will not only hold back his progress but will also devastate him (and us). 

W is due back to work two weeks today and I really any see how he'll cope. 

To top it all off I have a painful vein in my thigh and have bought myself to a walk in centre as I'm now paranoid that it'll be DVT or similar. This last few months have made me think that anything is possible and little things that might have worried me a bit before now seem possible and terrifying. 

Praying that this time tomorrow we'll have had the appointment and it'll be good news. Doubtful though... 

Current feelings

Today is a bad day, as was yesterday now I think of it. I have never suffered from panic or anxiety problems in the past, though of course have had periods of time where I have felt panicked and anxious and I guess this might well be just one of those occasions. But it feels worse. I have felt really since I woke up as though I have been kicked in the stomach. Completely floored. I am bumbling along as normal, acting at work as though nothing is happening to all my colleagues but I am overwhelmed by a horrible feeling of sickness and panic. My heart rate feels fast and I feel generally unwell. I constantly drift into imaginary scenarios in my head where I imagine different things happening and how we will all react to them. Sometimes (not often) they are positive, but more often they are horrible. Not just horrible though, macabre. I imagine things going wrong in the most tragic and sad way they possibly could. I imagine everyones reactions being as emotional and devastating as they possibly could be. I imagine ridiculous details, what I’ll be wearing, where I’ll be, exactly what I’d say, what day it will be on (usually an important day like someones birthday or Christmas etc). None of my work colleagues knows what’s going on yet I still feel angry that they don’t know or care about it. I ask people questions about what’s going on in their lives and encourage them to talk about the things that’re on their mind or are bothering them, then I feel angry with them for moaning when their problems seem insignificant compared to mine. I have become someone I don’t recognise.

I fluctuate between thinking that nothing matters apart from them both getting better and that I don’t care about anything else in the world, yet I spend other times mindlessly drifting through Pinterest and Instagram looking for home/clothes/garden/food inspiration.  

 

Feeling quite a lot better now since writing this, perhaps it will be helpful for me to write my feelings down more. I have, however just read that the outlook for the cancer of Dad's type and stage is that 7% of people live for 5 years after diagnosis. Not good.

Treatment